Differing Preferences

by Hailu S. Fejisso

I was traveling on assignment in Ethiopia a few years ago with a friend of mine who worked in radio. He was flirting with a young, good-looking woman sitting with us, and asked if she would join him for dinner and drinks. 

Unfortunately they weren't on the same page regarding love, dating or serious relationships. She was straightforward in dismissing his request.

I asked her why the lack of interest. Her answer surprised me. "I do not want to be involved with someone who is not better than I am," she said. "I don't care whether he is married or in relationship – as long as he fulfills my desires and respects my freedom, he is 'Mr. Right' for me."

Even though this response wasn't something I expect from women like her – well-educated and self-reliant – it wasn't shocking news. But by no means do I believe that she represented women overall.

Another lady in the group was totally enraged. "How on earth can you share someone you love with other women? Aren't you jealous? Do not you feel betrayed?" she implored the young woman. "You know, I want my freedom and I want to have fun," the woman responded. "Life is too short, and I want to enjoy every minute of it."

I teased her to speak more. "Are you seeing someone?" I asked. "Of course," she said proudly. She started showing off fancy little things, gifts from her deep-pocketed men. She stated she was seeing a diplomat who had two wives in two different African countries. For her, dating like this was just a way of life.

We arrived at our destination and after checking into our hotel, met for dinner. The agenda started again. "Look at her," my friend started. "Economically she is more well off than the majority of women in this country, but for her the priority is not a serious relationship but money." The other woman in the group was furious. "How dare you judge all women based on a single person's views and preferences? Don't you know that there are men who have inferiority complexes and prefer to date down?" she asked.

"I'm an educated woman like her," she continued. "I still date a man I met four years ago when we were students. We did not have any money."

She talked about more and more women preferring to date upper class men, in search of a dream life and expensive gifts. But, she said: "Let's not judge them. Remember, the majority of women really believe in love, not money."

For various reasons, men tend to date down. In my opinion, many cultures expect men to be the breadwinners of their families, and they feel inferior if they earn less. Nevertheless, things are changing almost everywhere due to information exchange. As long as two people have chemistry and can read each other, money does not matter.

At the end of the day, it's worthwhile to look horizontally or even down.

Step by Step, Hand in Hand 

by Yu Yanjuan

When choosing a date, some girls have love as their top priority while others place emphasis on personality. There are some, however, who emphasize money when it comes to dating. Ma Nuo, the female contestant on If You Are the One, is one such woman. Her top focus in choosing a mate was a man's economic power, which determined whether her materialistic desires would be satisfied or not.

With rising living costs, women may have good reasons to focus on the economic conditions. But I think these women may lose sight of true love if they choose a date in terms of money. They are likely to miss real happiness in their pursuit of materialistic love.

As for me, I like men who are considerate, tolerant and understanding. Many women like myself date for marriage. Personality and the potential for living in harmony together are our first concerns. Of course we'll also take material things into consideration. After all, material sufficiency is the foundation of a happy married life.

My boyfriend works in a white-collar profession and is from an ordinary family. Though we don't possess anything except pure love now, we'll surely have a better life through four hands working together. For me, love and personality come first in a relationship, but the potential of economic power should also be kept in mind.

Many friends suggest that I date up, find a rich man. As an old saying goes, "To marry well is far better than to work well." But I say definitely not.

Men my age are seldom rich by their own doing. Most girls who date up date older men with whom they may have a communication gap. Some date men of the same age from a wealthy family background. After marriage, they may get everything they desire without much effort. That's not what I look forward to. These girls choose to "take a cable car" to the mountain top while I prefer to climb the mountain step by step, hand in hand with my loved one, stopping occasionally to enjoy the scenery of life.

It's strange that girls date up while men tend to date down. What lies behind men's tendency to date girls who are financially less well off? In my view, dignity is more important to men, for whom money stands for power. They generally want to be respected, admired or even obeyed by their girlfriends so that they can have a sense of power and control in the relationship.

That's why many highly educated and self-sufficient women find it hard to find a date. Men will look at them in awe and admit they are impressed by their careers, but when it comes to a relationship, they are the women men want to date least. Being with these women challenges a man's dignity. However, with our society becoming more open and tolerant, more men are choosing to date up. 

Dating is an everlasting topic of discussion for human beings. Dating may adopt different forms, and dating standards and social expectations about dating may vary from time to time, but the pursuit of true love and a happy relationship will never come to an end.